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What drives my sadistic tendencies? A lot of things, really. But mostly, the urge to hurt someone fills a void. It's a need. It gives me the illusion that I can control something in life. (Which is contrary to my general Buddhist/Atheist belief system, wherein little to nothing is truly in my control. Hence, it's an illusion. But that's neither here nor there. I know control doesn't really exist.) Cruelty satisfies me on a very basic level that I no longer wish to hide or attempt to reconcile. That's why my relationship with works so very well. He doesn't hide the fact that he wants to hurt, to suffer, to be treated as cruelly as he can endure. I don't hide the fact that this fact excites me to no end. Having an outlet for these urges is a relief, aside from being an extremely delightful pleasure. I want him to hurt. Period. Partially because he craves it, and partially because I crave to do it. This type of sadism for me doesn't arise from anger or anything like it, but from a mutual quest for fulfillment. I'm usually cruel because I *can* be, and because I want to be. I don't usually have any grandiose plans to throw off guard, but when something presents itself to me, I'll gladly take it. I get hot about his masochism because he takes pride in it, pride in pushing himself further than he thought he could go. I like the way his handsome face twists in reaction to pain, and the dreamy look he gets on his face during a verbal. He doesn't struggle much to accept what I give him. He gladly takes it and asks for more. On the other side of it I'm also a masochist. I to function under duress. I like pressure. It feeds my arrogance, my belief in my own superiority. To be able to withstand copious amounts of pain in any sense contributes to my growth, and the exploration of what my limits really are. I when dishes it out, because he knows what it's like to what you receive. I'm greedy for his ill treatment.
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