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Look, its normal to wish something wasn't the way it is but denying the reality is REALLY fucked up. Change mindset TODAY, you can state that you are not ready to move on yet. Fuck its raw and new. Just repeat that you get better and when ready you move on. You know that seething anger that's just under the surface? The part of you that knows you've been played and made a fucking fool of? That bile in your mouth that knows you've been thrown into a soap and you look like an idiot? Use it, that's truth that you don't want staring at you and it pisses you off. You have the right to be pissed about it. Use it to do the one thing that get you passed all this, doing the right thing for yourself. Take the heavy handed high road, divorce this dipshit, learn your rights and enforce them. Never rise to any of his shit, no reaction, NONE. Move forward regardless of what the fantasy side of you is telling you. That's shit you confess to your counselor, not to dipfuck or anyone. (exception to rule, after 4th shot of Patron with hot dude who you then gudge fuck, video requested) You feel better and the anger fade a bit. You realize he's not worth the effort to stay pissed. Now work on why the fuck you would want someone like that around. It gets better babe.

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awake, one J to another. YOU MADE my Friday night. I barged into you divorced swingers searching casual fucking dating naughty single womenr quiet evening and sat next to you at the bar, by chance. Talking with you, sharing with you, was FUN. We have a lot in common.. our military history, our tech careers and our shared love of fly fishing. I wanted to reach out, lightly run my hand down your arm, feel your plaid, flannel shirt, if only to confirm you were real. Your love of Star Trek made me genuinely giggle. You asked me to travel the long and winding road, through my past, and I gave you what could only be labeled an tale of brain-fueled insanity. You smiled and ed me a geek. I panicked. Your eyes and words told me it was your truest compliment (and a first for me, in a LONG time). You paid your tab and walked to the door, head , as I dug through my wallet, desperately trying to find a business card to give to you. But something told me to sit still, let you go. So here I sit, one J to another, hoping to run into you again....hoping you're a regular, where we met. Hoping I run into you again, so I can invite you into my life. Looking into your eyes was like nothing I've experienced in a long time. The life in your bright blues made me sit heavy in my chair, and breathe. Do I think you'll read this? Nah. I just have these words in me, and they need to come out. Oh right, I forgot to tell you, I'm also a writer :-) Some days I'm afraid I'll simply break apart inside, from knowing so much, from seeing so much. Living an awake life doesn't come without some semblance of burden. Some days I wish I could go back to sleep and join the others who coast through life, eyes closed....so blindly and blissfully unaware of the life, hope and love around them. Some day I hope I find someone who sees what I see, feels what I feel. Someone who is ready to happily charge through life with me, knowing what we know, together.